the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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