she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
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Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
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I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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