that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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