Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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