why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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