Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
