You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
