Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
