i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
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