not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
