i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Randomize
