listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
