Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
