I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
