He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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