just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
