i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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