How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
