Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
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