GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
