When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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