Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Randomize