There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
