She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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