You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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