I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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