My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
