woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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