There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
