i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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