This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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