Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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