I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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