Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
