So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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