i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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