I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
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But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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