I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
