I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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