I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
So many bounce houses so little time
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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