I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Randomize
