guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
