i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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