Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
