so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
