the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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