This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
