Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
