i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
