i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize