That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
