i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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