No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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