not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
