then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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