the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
