Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
