ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
